When I went to interview celebrities, I was always escorted by a soldier with a gun, because my dad who never had a sister, was overtly protective of his 17 year old daughter venturing into the world of men by insisting on becoming a sports journalist and interviewing “all those jocks”. What was funny was that most male celebrities approved and took it totally in their stride and one well known sportsman even mentioned to his wife-see this is how girls from good families conduct themselves... no matter what they do in life they are always properly escorted.”

So I could have been a hooker on the street, but if I was demurely dressed and escorted by a man I automatically became a “good girl” in the eyes of the world. 

Today when I look at the Kobe Bryant case, the case of the lacrosse runners from Duke university, accused of raping two women against their will, the women too scared to come forward, because of the stigma of being known as a raped woman and a gold digger, many comments not just from men but from women, have come my way. Many of these comments suggested that indeed these two women are likely gold diggers who want to make money off of this. Not one of them stopped to think that Kobe Bryant or these lacrosse runners may have violated these women, that even in the new millennium, it requires a lot of courage to come forward if you are a woman, to accuse a man of wrong doing. I see so many women stay in abusive, dysfunctional marriages because they are so scared of losing respectability in the eyes of the world. Somehow having a tag of Mrs. so and so, makes them a cut above the other.

A thought provoking article that Kaveetaa Kaul sent me, and it was published in this month’s issue of my online mag carried this report from the BBC. The report said “Women get blame for being raped"

Fewer than 6% of reported rapes result in a conviction. A third of people believe a woman is partially or completely responsible for being raped if she has behaved flirtatiously, a survey suggests. The Amnesty International poll of 1,000 people also found over 25% believe she is at least partly to blame if she has worn revealing clothing or been drunk.
Amnesty says the "shocking" findings show government policies are failing. The director of public prosecutions told the BBC, the report "highlights some areas of real concern".

Ken Macdonald QC, who is in charge of prosecutions in England and Wales, spoke to BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour.

"The idea that a third of our people think that if a woman flirts she has only herself to blame if she is raped is, I think, quite shocking," he said.

"These are jury trials. The jury is the community in the courtroom and it is reasonable to suppose the jury brings into the courtroom a lot of the attitudes we have been reading about."

You can read the rest of Kaveetaa’s article on my website, but for me these discussions raised another question-are many women also to blame for not raising their sons to treat women with respect? I see in many households men treating women the way their fathers treated their mothers.

Does that behavior-good or bad spill over into the work space and other spaces where men and women work together? Or as one lady said when her son was harassing a girl-oh boys will be boys. Just last weekend at a movie star live concert in Canada, a close friend’s husband leered in front of his wife and asked me if I could introduce him to the sexy actress back stage, since I had access to the actors.. he went on to say his standards had been lowered by his marriage and so he wanted to raise them now-that his wife had become boring, and didn’t pay him attention. His charming wife stood there with a fixed smile, pretending it was a joke and swallowing the insult. She told me later she doesn’t believe in divorce and again that she has such a cushy lifestyle and he hasn’t been unfaithful in deed, only in words, so she is staying put .

Also do women behave towards men as they see their mothers behave towards their fathers..do they become submissive when they see their mothers give in to abuse. I have seen it work both ways. I remember a woman telling me when I did a story on divorce..well my dad used to beat my mom 16-17 times in a month..my husband only raises his hand on me once or twice..so its not a big deal..and I have a very good life style..why would I want to give it up for a few slaps here and there. But there was another one who chose to walk away and went on to excel in academics and finally her brother and she pulled their mother out of the marriage she had suffered in so long because of fear and stigma.

I see many women say-oh I didn’t leave because of the children, when in truth they didn’t leave because they were scared, or financially dependent or just too lazy to make the huge change. Many who left were blamed by the family-oh she must have done something wrong. I have also seen many well adjusted happy children of divorced parents and many messed up kids of parents who stayed together in an unhappy relationship. Many of my girl friends are refusing to marry young because they “ don’t want to end up like my mom”. And there are others when talk of marriage came up whose first words were” I want a guy just like my dad.” 

I have met far too many good men to feel that there is a gene in men that makes them ticking time bombs ready to erupt at the slightest provocation-I have also seen men being emotionally abused by some women, but by and large the number of men sexually, physically or emotionally harassing women surpasses the number of women doing the same thing, if one looked at organizations handling cases of abuse of any kind and checked numbers as I did for the story on divorce.

Some one raised a point that it could be because many men who are emotionally abused feel hesitant to report it, that often women get away because they make more noise. Is it that hard to understand that mutual respect could go a long way in nurturing relationships and creating happy homes which in turn translates to well adjusted kids and a loving partnership between their parents..

In India to this day having a son is a big deal. I see double standards even to this day in many homes in how sons and daughters are raised. My friend Robin Raina once mentioned how when his charity organization could take only one child from an underprivileged home, and educate that child, most parents pushed their male child forward. Robin was forced to insist that he would only take a girl child because when you educate a woman you educate a whole family.

In America, though the gaps are narrowing, many women still get paid lesser salaries for similar jobs. The casting couch nets more women than men according to another discussion, where some male models and many female models stepped forward to tell how they had been asked to provide sexual favors in return for a modeling assignment or even a movie role.

A very telling comment came from a woman who said, women are to be blamed because they don’t stand up and put an end to all that they endure-but perhaps the main question still is-at what price comes that freedom and how many are willing to pay that price?