I was told that the day I was born, the midwife blurted out-“Oh No it’s a girl. Now I won’t get the same amount in baksheesh (tip) as I would have, had this been a boy.” My irate grandmother not only gave her much more than what she would have ever got for the birth of a boy, my grandparents threw a grand party in celebration to welcome my arrival. Growing up if I saw any bias, in my family, it was more against the innumerable boys in our clan. The girls were always more pampered, more cherished. I remember mom telling me that dad would sit there for hours gazing at me and thinking how perfect I was.

I realized, soon enough however, that while the girl child may be a prized commodity in my clan, she was fairly disposable and discriminated against in other families. I heard stories of people producing kids with little care for the woman’s well being until she gave the family the much wanted male child. I heard stories of people marrying a second time if the first wife failed to produce a son. I know of several families in different age groups who have had a large number of children-just to produce a son. Often that cherished son would then be burdened with not only marrying off his 6-7 sisters but also to pay off debts and take care of his parents in their old age.

I remember a friend who married the oldest son from a huge business joint family, being told by her mother in law, when she was pregnant for the first time-If you don’t produce a son don’t come back-if you do I will give you the choicest diamond necklace. Alka, my friend went on to have three daughters and I saw her totally stressed out each time. Luckily her husband put his mother in her place and told her to back off –otherwise my friend would have spent the rest of her life, feeling like an outcast and an incomplete woman.

I also remember another friend telling me how amused she was because each time people ask her how many kids she has and she says 2 girls and a boy, they promptly presume her son is the youngest and much tried for addition after 2 girls, when he is the middle child. They look disbelievingly when she tells them she tried a third time because she always wanted two girls.

I’ve seen sons who adore their mothers and sisters disappointed when they have daughters-a close guy friend actually burst into tears when he found out his first born was a daughter. Another man had a heart attack and died according to news reports when he found out his wife had had a girl.

Another friend said that when she tells people she has two daughters, they will ask-No son? Maybe you should try for one-you are still very young. Some other friends tell me growing up they always saw their parents being a tad more partial towards their brothers.
While this obsession for male children is rampant in the South Asian, Asian and Muslim cultures, I see the same desire in other cultures as well. The only difference is that I don’t see, say Americans bemoaning the lack of a son if they end up with two girls. I do see the smug expression on the faces of women across all cultures, if they have sons a lot of the times.

In September when I went to India the first news item that caught my eye in flight from Delhi to Jammu was about a well of aborted female fetuses being found in Punjab. The article also said that the obsession for a male child ran high amongst the affluent, highly educated lot and a lot of abortions took place in this very group. The ratios are so lopsided now because of all these abortions. According to latest statistics, the three northern Indian states — Punjab, Haryana and Delhi — have one of the most skewed male-female ratios in the country, with Punjab having only 874 females for 1,000 men. 

To add to this, is the news about this new US-patented gender testing kit, available over the Internet. It enables sex-determination as early as five weeks after conception. The kit in trial for 14 years is right now only available in the US, but concern is already there about the repercussions if it enters India.

Two days ago I read this news headline which said “"Don't kill your daughter. The government will raise her." Alarmed by a declining sex ratio due to female feticide, the government has an offer to make to parents who extinguish a new life - a palna or ‘cradle’ scheme in districts under which girl children can be left to the care of official agencies. 

The government seems to feel that such a scheme—bound to attract its share of critics is a way to check an inhuman trend. The scheme, to be implemented by the ministry of women and child development in coordination with state governments, is likely to be put in place during the 11th five-year plan as part of measures to fight the menace of female foeticide. “

My friend Robin Raina who runs a charity foundation for underprivileged children and women has made it mandatory in one his projects in Bombay that if they have to accept one child from each family to educate it will be a girl child, because he too believes that by educating the girl child you will educate an entire family.

In all this the one thing that stands out in my mind is the fact that a lot of this is happening because of women themselves allowing it to happen. Often a girl is brainwashed from infancy that she in inferior to boys, and when she becomes a mother, she allows the atrocity of having her body violated to end the life of an unwanted girl child, because another woman- a mother-in law continues the tradition- of pressuring her daughter in law for a grandson. I haven’t seen too many aunties or grandmas telling their daughters-in laws-“May you be the mother of many daughters, or May you be blessed with a daughter”. 

I translated this poem written originally in Hindi by activist, writer and actress Rita Jitendra who I interviewed in India this time. In it the aborted girl child addresses her mother and asks some questions. I hope every woman who reads this thinks hard about the questions, and every man who reads this makes a promise to cherish the gender that is responsible for his birth in the world in the first place.


Mother why did I not take birth?
Why was I given death before I could embrace life?
Say Something O mother say something

Why did the world not hear my life’s cry
It did not want to welcome me in its midst
It taught you to shun me
And denied me your lap to rest
Why did you let it happen?
Say something O mother, say something

Pressed against your bosom.
I would have blossomed day and night
I would have filled your embrace with my being
But I was denied even a corner of your heart
Say something, O mother, say something

I would have enchanted you with my first smile,
Cut my teeth on that enchantment
Frolicked and taken my first steps with you giving chase
And full of mischief, taken flight just out of your reach.
All that was meant to be, was lost to eternity
Say something O mother, say something

Your daughter would have gone to school,
Her hands holding the books to knowledge
I would have been your pride
My father and brother would have been so awed
To see me win accolades
Why was it not so, say something O mother?

I would have accomplished so much
Created my own unique persona
Epitomizing true womanhood
Why was that not allowed to be?
Say something O mother, say something

You would have held your head high with pride
I would have been the shining star
The talk of the town
And the world would have honored womanhood
And rejoiced at the birth of each girl child
But it is lost, the opportunity was lost by you
Say something O mother, say something

And if for a moment I did not shine
My love for you and yours for me
Would have been a tie so pure
But you used your own hands to cut off your nose
Does anyone ever sin like this?

Why did you rip this beautiful dream child
From your womb?
If the poison of societal norms continues
To course through life
Where will they ever find a mother
To give birth to the sons they covet?
Enough is enough
Awake O mother,
Awake O mother.


Write to Kavita at opinion@nripulse.com.