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The Real Worth of
Two Cents

Is there merit in unsolicited advice? No, says ATIKA NADAF. Maybe says VEENA RAO.

Veena Rao is a long time journalist and the editor of NRIPulse.com. She is based out of Atlanta, GA. Atika Nadaf is based in Toronto, Canada where she lives with her husband and a daughter. She is an ESL instructor and journalist. 
Not All Free Advice is Bad We Indian Are Like That Only!

One of the tips for railway travel on an India tourism Web Site says, "Beware of touts and avoid unsolicited advice." The adage that good advice is never free and free advice is never good was certainly not coined in India. We are experts at offering our two cents to everyone within hearing shot. In a nation of advice givers, we have grown up giving and receiving advice on every facet of life- from our choice of college and career, finding the right spouse and raising babies to everyday things like what clothes/colors suit us, or how to get to a certain place, or where to get the best bargain, or how to handle situations. Advice is free, ever flowing...and mostly unsolicited.

Getting unsolicited advice is rarely pleasant, even for us folks who have been bombarded with the free variety all our lives. It is not easy to listen to your competitor tell you how to do a given thing better, or your mother-in-law tell you how you can cook the same dish better, or worse still- a rank stranger you've just met at a public place tell you what you need to do to further your career. In most such situations, our defenses are up, and we either seethe from within or get into a verbal argument. Unsolicited advice is a bitter pill to swallow, and there are no two ways about it. But then, as my co-writer Atika says in the next column, we Indians are like that only. Old habits die hard, which is why we still continue to air our free advices to everybody around us even while living here so far from India.

However, while free advice is always hard to swallow, it is not necessarily always bad. It is possible that the most helpful advice you've received has come from a stranger you met at a bus stop. Or the turning point in your life arrived after you worked on something your peer suggested. It is possible that there are a few pearls floating in the vast ocean of relentless advice. 

It is not possible to avoid getting advised (we Indians are like that only, remember?), so it might be a good idea to see what one can benefit out of it. In these days of self-help guides, success coaches and spiritual gurus, it is possible that there could be merit in the free variety too.

What is it about getting advised that rankles us? Is it our ego? Is it hard to accept that the advisor knows better, especially if he/she is a peer? Is it our innate set of complexes? Or is it fear of losing our independence and free will? What if we were to open our senses and minds to grow as individuals? What if we were to accept that knowledge is limitless? Maybe that would make us more welcoming of ideas. After all, no advice is binding on us (unless, hey, it is the boss commanding you to act on his ideas!). We are not under duress to accept them. All it takes is an open mind and a patient ear. 

We do not have to bow down to authoritarian advice. Or the critical variety. Or advice from busybodies who are generous with their two cents with no real knowledge of the situation or topic. But we can always keep our minds open to the wisdom of people who have been there, and know where we are coming from. Or professionals with expertise on the topic. The advice of well meaning friends and family can hold a wealth of good sense, no matter how bitter it may seem to us at the time. 

Well, does all this sound like advice? I apologize if it does, because I meant this column to be just an opinion piece. My real advice would be to potential advice givers (aren't we all?). If you want to be heard, make your advice a two-way street. Be tactful with your choice of words. Keep the advisee's feelings and ego in mind. Don't sound like a Dr Know-it-All. Make your advice seem more like an opinion, not a command. And most importantly, don't give advice when you don't know what you are talking about!

Working as an ESL instructor in Canada, I’ve had many opportunities to actually learn and understand different cultures, customs and behavioral patterns. Of all the cultures, we Indians are unique I think. Knowing how we love to give unsolicited advice and ask questions which are considered inquisitive in the North American context, I feel it’s very important to teach a lesson on “small talk” to make my students understand what “small talk” is all about in North America.

Now that I drive, I miss my daily bus encounters with my fellow compatriots. You meet an Indian and the first question is “which part of India are you from”, “when did you come to Canada”, “where do you live”, “are you married”, “where you do work” “how much do they (the company) pay”, “what’s your husband doing” “how much money does he make”, “how many children do you have”, “why do you have only one daughter” “you should have a son” etc. Some people persisted with the above questions even when I refused to reply or showed no interest in the conversation. These experiences have taught me that many of us need a good lesson on small talk.

This habit of giving unsolicited advice can be very annoying and condescending at times. It’s simply rude to comment on your personal lifestyle and choices such as how one should dress up, what girls should wear, how they should behave, that girls have to cook, what is expected of them once they get married etc. Young men and women are bombarded with one question, “when are you getting married” as if that’s the most important thing in life.

What I find most annoying is the judgment many Indians pass on others without being sensitive about the person’s feelings. “This doesn’t happen in our family” “how do your parents allow this? “In our khandan, such a thing would never be tolerated”. I feel more comfortable being left alone to deal with my own insecurities, triumphs and challenges that life has to offer.

There are so many beautiful things in our culture. I’m sure every Indian is proud to be one. What makes us so successful here is the value system that we learnt at home and in the society we grew up in. We exude so much warmth that sometimes you feel consumed by it. But inquisitiveness and unsolicited advice is something I can’t come to terms with. 

To be honest, sometimes I’m inquisitive too. I think we Indians are like that only.

What do you think?
Please send us your responses at contact@nripulse.com

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