The answers I heard were very interesting. A Canadian woman talked about how, she a single parent, on disability, and not financially well off, nevertheless, went on to be elected President of a large Auxiliary of women, and it didn’t go down well with a clique of 4-6 well to do, affluent and influential women over the age of 65. “Needless to say Kavita, I have endured so much slander and gossip by this small group of women of sixty-plus; that I had to take drastic measures,” writes this woman to me, “Anyway I confronted the head woman of the small, elite group about HER admitting to ME that she uses friends she has; at the hospital/police and health units; to get information/gossip about people!! Boy, did I rip into her about it; then so did everyone else! Still unsure if I'm a hero; but, I got a standing ovation by the group! Still unsure, what's floating around there, in mute-information land; but, I'm sure it's a little different these days!”

Another Indian girl wrote, “The gossip, cliques, and malicious jealousy among Indians (especially girls) in this country has gotten so bad and so harmful, that I almost can't stand to be around Indian girls anymore (and I'm not the only Indian woman who feels this way). I also don't understand why this is more prevalent in the Indian community (my white friends aren't like this as much).”

Another woman Rita Raju wrote, “Jealousy and rumors by "well wishers" were huge contributions to my parents splitting apart and our family breaking apart. 

Communication is key and making sure that nobody is assuming anything is how it should be dealt with. But then again if you are with someone who believes any old crap someone musters up about you then they are probably not worth being with.”

Another woman, Preethi wrote that this is such a big problem for Indian women. “I do feel that truth sets you free..gossip and rumors do color the best relationships with hatred...I feel in Indian society women back biting is more” She said that most of the current TV serials in India target mostly women, and gossip is taken for granted and the gossip monger often gets away with it. ‘May be this was the reason that few of the Sanskrit stories from our past have told men to be careful of women, but no where have they provided the solutions to the problem.”

In my house my mom was considered boring by all family members because she never gossiped and when someone relayed a piece of gossip she never asked follow up questions much to the chagrin of my paternal grandmother who loved a juicy story or two. In fact even as she was getting close to being 100 years old, my grand mother knew everything that was going on in the lives of her four maids that were taking care of her by rotation!

Boy was she delighted when I became a free lance journalist so she could get a first hand report on every celebrity I interviewed, every story I did that had live interviews with people. If mom asked her to read some scriptures my grand mother would develop instant headaches but if I walked in and said..Mata ji, I need to tell you some gossip,’ just that one sentence would cure her instantly of all aches and pains.
On a serious note I have seen so many relationships break and shatter, between parents and children, siblings, and close friends as a result of blindly believing malicious stories. I have seen messy divorces becoming even messier when the so called well wishers of both parties and even attorneys instigated one partner against the other. I have also noticed that while both men and women gossip, women are far more vicious, manipulative and petty when it comes to malicious gossip, and making up stories, in comparison to men. A lot of it stems from personal insecurity and envy, both very unhealthy emotions.

A woman who became a very close friend and whose integrity and honesty I can blindly vouch for was the victim of vicious slander that had been circulating for years before it was conveyed to me by a so called friend. I have noticed a strange apathy in the Indian community when it comes to sticking your neck out for someone. I don’t know if it also applies to other ethnic groups. So for almost 7-8 years this tale had been circulating and no one bothered to tell this woman, most believed it since the source was a well respected person in the community, and my friend is a quiet, reserved, immensely dignified person who doesn’t mingle much. 

In another case another person gossiped about a mutually close friend in such a vicious manner that I felt confrontation was the best solution. The result was a cessation of the rumor mongering, and people telling me ‘Oh we always thought these two were nice people but didn’t know for sure because of what we had heard.” I thought how hypocritical the Indian community is-first they blindly believe vicious slander and then as conveniently do an about face. 

But then on the other hand after I did the story on the south Asian Gays lesbians bisexual and transgender people, a good friend called me very upset, saying there was a rumor floated by a guy that I was a lesbian and my best friend a happily married mother of two was my partner. My friend was stunned into silence when she heard my guffaw of laughter on the other end of the phone.. “You are laughing? I’m so upset!” My response to that was, “ Well firstly please thank that guy for telling me the facts about myself. I would have gone through life not knowing my true orientation. Secondly could you request him that if he has to spread a rumor could he call me bi-sexual? I don’t have any plans of not going out with men in this life time, and thirdly can I take his wife out, since she has always asked to spend time with me?’ Obviously the rumor died very quickly and the man can’t look me in the eye. I am so confident of who I’m I didn’t think it necessary to bother to clarify. 

I have learnt to never believe anything negative I hear about someone or something unless I see or hear it personally. I also learnt to always form my own opinion about people. When it comes to hearing gossip that is supposedly about me relayed to me by my so called well wishers, I ask them point blank if they are ready to stand by what they said while I call the person they claim to have said something nasty about me-99 percent back off scared.

There are people who have said to me I think its best to take the higher road and not give explanations, others have said well people who love you will never believe the gossip about you and if they do then they are not worth having as friends.

I have always believed that if you allow yourself to become a victim, you are as much to be blamed, but at the same time I have also realized that life is short and so today I pick my battles to fight, instead of bothering to clarify every little piece of gossip I hear about me or someone else, as I did in the two personal instances I quoted. I hope however that all of us when we indulge in or hear a piece of gossip stop and think for a moment what kind of an effect it could have on us and others and whether we would be better off spending our time doing something more worthwhile.