It’s been a year since NRI Pulse began its journey on the internet. It got me thinking about the journey of South Asian immigrants to the land of plenty and where the community stands today- not just in the eyes of mainstream America, but its own. Many years ago, I remember going to cover the Olympics. I was wearing Indian clothes and a red dot on my forehead. Several European photographers asked if they could take pictures of me in my Indian attire because it was such a novelty. Today in the new millennium I see Julia Roberts and other top actresses wearing Indian kurtis, and using Indian designers. The red dot and its many variations adorn the forehead of more non Indians than Indians and henna tattoo parlors are sprouting all over the country. Indian cuisine, Indian yoga, ayurveda and Deepak Chopra rock, as do Jhumpa Lahiri, Rohington Mistry and Vikram Seth. In any walk of life, its good to be South Asian these days!

The dot.com boom may have turned into the dot.com bust, but it helped Indians bust their way to the top of the ladder when it came to technology or heading companies. Friends who had changed their names from Ramesh to Ricky and Suresh to Sam were teased that now their non Indian names may stand in their way of finding lucrative jobs! Several south Asians now head Ivy league schools, and Bill Gates might as well call Microsoft the Indian loft, if you go by the numbers of Indians in the Microsoft ghetto in Seattle where the company is based. Its gratifying also to find an avalanche of articles on the trauma of the Americans in the face of the outsourcing exodus to India. Its time for us to be the sahibs!

The number of South Asian interns, political leaders and activists from the South Asian community in North America has risen by leaps and bounds. Ujjal Singh Dosanjh who is currently heading the key post of health minister in the Canadian government is being touted as a future Prime Minister. The White House recently celebrated Diwali and the 400th anniversary of the Granth sahib. My brother and his wife who were invited to an exclusive birthday bash for Senator Hillary Clinton were pleasantly surprised when Bill Clinton not only identified the statue of Lord Ganesha they presented as a gift, but waxed eloquent on what the deity represented. Pretty cool isn’t it? South Asians are everywhere, be it the fine arts, or the sciences, Law or business. So much has changed for the better.

What hasn’t changed is the quintessential Indian character. On one hand is the love and devotion of the parents towards their children, the close knit family ties, the sacrifices most Indian parents willingly make for their precious offspring. On the other, the burden of expectations that most Indian parents lay on their children has resulted in rising cases of depression and suicide among the younger generation. I find it ironic to hear this over and over again, from Indian parents of all shapes and sizes-“Oh all we want is for our children to be happy.” Read between the lines and you know what they really mean to say is-I want you to be happy the way I SEE your happiness. The moment those children try to share what their own dreams and aspirations are, the parents start beating their chests if the dreams don’t mesh with theirs.

When I interviewed South Asians of all age groups for a series of articles, I discovered a secret world of duality, of hiding in closets, of pretending reality to be something other than what it really was. I did a two series segment –one on children caught between two cultures, and then the flip side where I interviewed parents raising their children, caught between two cultures.

What I found was a serious disconnect between most parents and kids, where the kids were living dual lives-pretending to be what their parents wanted to see and then being as “ American” as apple pie when away from home. One friend mentioned that the things he hasn’t told his parents would stuff the Grand Canyon. He talked about how a lot of his repressed Indian friends would experiment with drugs, party hard and sleep around in first year of college; then go back to being the good little Indian boy or girl when they went home. The girls were as promiscuous. I noticed that the families where the parents had an open relationship with their children, had fewer cases of depression, and a lot more honesty. Dr Ravi and Seshu Sarma’s daughter Indira who I like tremendously made a very valid point when she told me that what she saw around her was parents saying that they want their kids to talk to them and be open with them, but they are only open to discussing certain things. “They only listen to what you have to say if you give them answers acceptable to them. Anything that they can’t handle or don’t want to hear, they just flip out and then they either get angry or frustrated. I have seen parents who are always saying their kids don’t have Indian values. In truth their kids are honest, hard working, and straightforward and help friends in need. Just because they don’t seem to conform to the parents’ way of looking at things does not mean they don’t have values. Parents need to ask themselves this question. Are they being fair to their kids when the kids are being brought up exposed to so many different cultures. Their expectations are unrealistic.”

Dr. Bhagirath Majmudar who is well known in the Atlanta community agreed. Having been on the university campus for over thirty years, he said he seldom heard any complaints about South Asian youngsters. He felt that the parents who are disappointed in their children are those who have unrealistic expectations of them. "Even India has changed. I doubt any kid wakes up there at 5 AM to bow down to his parents and take their blessing."

I also did a story on the south Asian lgbt community (lesbian gay bisexual transgender), and while I was researching it and interviewing people, I was repeatedly asked by well educated Indians –“Oh are you interviewing Americans?” When I said no I was interviewing south Asians, some of them said “Oh you mean there are Indians who are gay?” Duh! The story opened up a whole new world of darkness and rejection before my eyes. It was so unacceptable for me to realize that the personal freedom I take for granted can be denied to someone just because of their sexual orientation. The acceptance from the lgbt community that keeps on looking over their shoulder for bigotry, hatred and violence, of someone like me- a journalist who was not only straight but also represented the media that often bashed the community was a very humbling experience. Not once was I told-“You are straight, how would you know how I feel?”

I did another story on divorce and one on south Asians living with HIV/AIDS, and saw first hand how many south Asians live secret lives, full of depression, isolation, abuse and brutality because of the shame and stigma connected with being gay, or being HIV positive or trying to end a bad marriage. It also made me realize what hypocrites we essentially are. A woman who eloped with her husband who had been previously married, criticized another woman who is a single parent and has struggled to bring up two amazing children as being of loose character. My friend Deepa Dharamrup, mentioned that when she got divorced in the early 90s both she and her daughters were shunned by people she thought were her friends. Another friend put up with brutality for years because her parents didn’t support her. It was only when her ex husband cracked her skull open, and broke her bones that the neighbor who found her in a pool of blood intervened and called the cops.

A man who is HIV positive still cannot come out of the closet because his parents have jumped right into the closet with him. And I have seen so many gay men marrying women under pressure from parents who tell them –get married and do whatever else you want to do on the side.

I have to give a lot of credit to magazines like Little India and Khabar who had the courage to publish these stories. Interestingly contrary to what the publishers thought all the stories received tremendous appreciation. Ironically the only negative comment Little India received for the story on gays was by a doctor! A week later the story was named among the top five finalists in the best magazine article section for the prestigious Glaad media awards.

An interesting comment was made to me by Dr. Mohanbir Sawhney who teaches at the Kellogg school of management. He said he feels a sense of shame when he says that Indians who live in the US are greater racists than most people.” We have a very strong sense of cultural and racial identity. Every one is a Hindu, Punjabi, Malaylaee, and Gujarati first and then an Indian, and they bring it here as well”. Well not just that, I see infighting everywhere, even in the so called non profit organizations, the gurudwara and temple committees. People will pay thousands of dollars to take a picture with some politician but ask them to fund a worthy cause, which may not bring them accolades or a Kodak moment, and they think twice before taking out even a few bucks. I see several temples, mosques and gurudwaras sprouting because there is no meeting of the minds when the same money could have been used for better things.

September 11 brought its own travails and not just for the Sikh and Muslim communities but any one who looked like them. Four years later the violence and racism still rears its ugly head and it is because we are not a united community. Have we made progress since we came here? Maybe in terms of professional and financial success, but we still continue to be like crabs in a barrel-pulling each other down while we try to climb up ourselves. Until we change that, we will not only remain alienated from each other, but our presence in the mainstream and its impact will continue to be diluted by our disunity.