I was in Michigan last weekend supposedly to cover a play and interview Naseeruddin Shah, a wonderful actor who I have admired over the years. However I was sidetracked because just before I left Atlanta, I received a phone call about a man whose kidneys failed two years ago. Instead of waiting for 6 years that the University of Michigan says it might take for a transplant, he has found a donor back home in India through the Kidney Foundation and needs to raise some money to pay his expenses. He is also currently unemployed and has no family here.

The funny thing was, when I sent out an email to some people about him because this guy is an alumni of the Indian Institute of Technology (Kanpur) India’s equivalent of MIT for undergrad studies, and there are 30,000 wealthy IIT alumni in this country, some of his fellow alumni started asking if his case was genuine. It made me realize how the world has changed and because of the fraudulent actions of a few, some genuine people who need help may pay the price for the sins of the imposters. So here I was in Michigan verifying this poor man’s medical records ASAP. 

This man said he turned to me as a last resort (I still haven’t asked him how he thought of me, who told him about me-I don’t even live in Michigan), because he has run from pillar to post here seeking help from the rich Indian temples, and other Indian organizations. He was told that they will chant prayers for him but cannot help him financially. A fundraiser in Atlanta just netted thousands of dollars to begin the process of building yet another temple in the city. I refused the invitation to cover the event, on the grounds that I won’t endorse building of a temple that is not needed. I would have been there in a jiffy, if that money was being raised to be put to better use, like helping someone like this man.

The patient tells me he is too ashamed to meet his ex friends/IIT colleagues because he is down on his luck, and doesn’t want them to see him jobless and out on his luck, living with some family that has been kind enough to look after him.

This is unfortunately a part of our culture that I despise- a sense of shame and humiliation that consumes us just because we are down and out.. the fact that we hide our needs and hurts under a guise of false bravado, and we pretend to be this model minority where nothing bad happens-we don’t have divorces, no one is gay, no one has HIV or Aids and we are all well to do. We feel shame in asking for help, because Indians are so consumed with status quo to this day. The caste system of materialism digs its talons permanently into our psyche- your worth is still measured by the car you drive, the neighborhood you live in and whether your kid managed a perfect score on the SAT and got into the Ivy League college of his or her choice.

I told the patient that the greatest thing about this country is the dignity it gives even to the janitor whose hand the CEO of a company shakes when he goes up the escalator.
In my life whenever I have been down and out, it was the kindness of strangers, more than the love of my friends that amazed me.

And I have NEVER hesitated to ask for help when I needed help. In turn I went out and helped others. I told this man please be proud of who you are and remember while human beings can be the worst and most cruel of animals, there are some amazing people who will give the shirt off their backs if your needs are genuine. I have never seen any one look at me with pity when I have asked for help. In fact people have bent over backwards and never let me feel small. None of us go through life unscathed, even the ones who seem to live a charmed life, so why should any one want to look down upon anyone else? To me the true measure of a man’s worth is how much he extends himself to step out of his comfort zone to help another person, and how he treats others.

It was a similar story with another friend a super achieving electrical engineer, whose kidneys failed when he was 32. His 2 kids were under the age of 5. He got a transplant after 2 years but every single medication he took resulted in a severe reaction-he had a stroke which wiped out his short term memory-so for the past 12 years he has been sitting at home, has had seizures that no can figure out a cure for. In May he was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, and his voice box was removed-he has a hole in his throat, and has to relearn how to speak-he is undergoing chemo and radiation, and his amazing wife has seen him through everything and stuck by his side and we are not letting him give up on himself..

When he was to have that 8 hour surgery, I told his wife I was going to send out an email to three different yahoo groups to pray for him. Like this other man in Michigan, he said to his wife he was embarrassed- he didn’t want to be seen as needy-I told her and later him I believe a lot in the power of prayer and overrode his protest. The day before he went to surgery-5000 emails came in telling me how much everyone was praying for him. Most of these people were strangers- a prominent astrologer sitting in India read the email and volunteered his services to do special prayer service that takes several hours at no charge for him. My friend was overwhelmed when I talked to him just prior to his surgery and said he had never felt more touched and loved.

Why am I taking out the time to write this ? To tell every one the doors that you shut on yourself will never open unless you let the light through. If you believe in a higher power that guides us and watches over us then you must have faith that things will work out. There are lessons to be learnt from each experience.

I said to the man in Michigan I cannot tell you why some people suffer others dont..one thinks here of the theory of karma. My mom was going through a hard time and said the same thing to me. Why did God make me suffer? I have never hurt anyone. I said why should you think you are better than anyone else and should always be spared? Most of the people who get hurt are good people by and large. That is how the universe works, but things do balance out eventually.

We can allow ourselves to spiral into an abyss of despair and all of us have been there- or we can claw our way out of it and say we won’t let anything get us down. I have seen one of my cousin brothers’ die of kidney failure in India at the age of 35; in spite of his pain and suffering we would still manage to find something to laugh about something to rejoice about each day. Each moment spent in love and laughter and seeing the positive, is a precious memory-and memories don’t go away like people do. And for me the most important lesson has been that we can either make things happen-or wallow in self pity and misery-the choice is ours.