His dark eyes were flashing fire, as I sat next to him at a get together. He is a physician and an African American, she is an Indian, and they were facing the wrath of her parents because she was dating a black man. Another African American lady mentioned to me how her Indian husband introduces her to his friends and family as –meet my wife K, she has an MBA from Harvard, as if a degree from Harvard would make her more acceptable and lighten the color of her skin. A few days ago I found myself at my dentist’s and her assistant started talking to me about Indian marriages when she saw the henna on my hands. I told her it was put at my brother’s wedding and that I had written about it. She asked me if I would mind talking to a friend of hers a beautiful accomplished Indian dentist. “If you have any single Indian male friends to introduce her to, please do so. She is an only child who broke up with her American boyfriend also a dentist because her parents, both physicians themselves wouldn’t stand for it.” And added, “Even though the guy was white,” emphasizing the word “white”.

While I hear stories of inter-racial dating and marriages still causing many Indian parents severe heartburn, and emotional trauma for the kids involved, I see a lot of racial bias and snobbery within the community itself. I remember how a friend’s grand parents disowned the whole family because she a Sikh girl chose to marry a Hindu boy. Heaven forbid if a Hindu marries a Muslim. I have heard stories of people committing suicide or being brutally killed by family members if this happened.

Then there is the North South divide-North Indians have many snide jokes about South Indians, from the color of their skin, to their accents, and vice versa. The obsession with status quo, goes from Indian parents working towards the tag of an Ivy league school labeled to their kids resume, to often seeing some of my acquaintances talking in terms of-oh do you know so and so? He is a millionaire whose daughter went to Wharton. Nothing about someone being a nice guy-it all boils down to money and labels. A close friend S built this beautiful house and her neighbor M next door soon had her nose out of joint because M’s husband happened to mention that S’s bathroom had better tiles. So there we were my friend Anita and I standing there, our heads moving from side to side as if we were at Wimbledon while M and S exchanged volleys when M went through the entire list of brand names that she had used to build and furnish her house and asked S what brand names she had used. If it wasn’t so pathetic, it would have been funny.

A divorced friend said many of her close friends stopped talking to her or inviting her kids to their house because she was no longer a part of the high society with the stigma of being a divorcee. Many well educated women put up with domestic violence because they don’t want to be outcasts in the community, while their husbands are still considered prize catches and would find new wives in a jiffy, if they walked out.

And of course, Indians don’t have sex so there are no extra-marital affairs, no HIV/AIDS, no gays or lesbians and no poverty. Recently I did a story that will appear shortly in various media on the aging population and how South Asian families cope with it. Many South Asians in spite of the fact that they can’t or won’t take care of their elderly parents living in India will not let them go and stay in an assisted living community-“what will people say? “One of them said to her father. So the father lives alone by himself as his wife passed away, while his two sons and one daughter live a cushy life in America. He is afraid to offend his snobbish kids, who come to India just for 2-3 weeks and make some excuse or the other for not bringing him to the USA with them because they don’t have the time. But outwardly the Indian community remains a model minority.

We talk about how the world looks at America and Americans these days, but I wonder how the world would look at this model minority, if they got a little closer. More than that how do we really look at each other when we remove the veneer of sweet talk and admiring each other’s jewelry and designer wear? Do we really embrace others beyond that fake embrace and kisses we pretend to plant on the cheeks of our acquaintances that really linger in the air - is it all humbug?

Write to Kavita at opinion@nripulse.com.